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Alan Ervine: A Challenge In The Night

Last night I visited Alan just before the evening service. It was outside of visiting hours, and not being much given to wearing a clerical collar, one of the nurses gave me a good telling off. She kindly let me stay and Alan and I were able to talk, listen, pray and read Psalms 61 & 62 together. Please continue to pray for him.

Sunday 15th August: A challenge in the night.

Last night was not a good one: had pains in tummy and chest and felt very restless during the night. I am often not sure how to pass the time in the darkness while feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel angry that this thing is happening to me, and when I feel angry, I often turn my face against God. I’m sure he understands both the anger and not wanting to communicate with him. (I recall a similar time in 1984 after my Aunt Peggy died – feeling so much anger towards God. One time I took a copy of the Bible and tore it to shreds, page by page, and, strangely, God did not strike me down afterwards!).

But last night, another challenge arose, and this is the question from Jesus – will you love me even though everything is falling apart with your body? Will you love me during the sickness; will you love me in the discomfort; will you love me even if you cannot eat; will you love me come what may? My answer to that question was not straightforward last night. I have great difficulty loving Jesus during such taxing and challenging times. I have great difficulty trusting him every step of the way when physically I am going from bad to worse. I am still wrestling with this question today, for I find it easier to love and trust Jesus when things are gradually getting better. But when they are getting worse, then the question is much more poignant!

I must say, this is a real test of faith for me that remains unresolved. And the test could be put simply as this: “If you lose almost everything, will you continue to love and trust Jesus?” For me, the answer just now would have to be a choice of the will. I could choose to say “yes” to this question, even though my heart and feelings are nowhere near saying yes. I would hope that, by saying yes by the choice of my will, my heart will follow along soon!

By doing this as an act of the will, I am really saying that God is God despite how I feel. The objective truth is still there. I am saying, God will never leave us nor forsake us, no matter how we feel inside. The trick is maybe to separate the objective truth about God from how we feel. I tend to get the two mixed up.

Alan Ervine: Grace

Alan is in the Beatson for a second round of chemotherapy. If you pray, please keep him, Liz & Paul in your prayers. Here is his latest blog post.

Saturday 14th August: Grace

I returned to the Beatson Hospital yesterday for Part 2 of the chemotherapy treatment. The first shock on arriving: I had lost 20lbs weight during my time at home, due to difficulties swallowing and regurgitation. They need to stabilise my weight here before considering more chemo. I feel quite weak with little energy and sometimes feel sick, so it is not always a pleasant feeling on this tortuous journey. But in the words of Lara Martin’s chorus, God Is Near: God is near, let the weak say I am strong; God is near, let the sick say I am well; God is near, his wonders to perform. He truly is the God of miracles and I am in need of miracles this morning!

Back to the subject of grace – maybe because it is the most underrated topic in Christendom. When the Prodigal Son went off and wasted his life and the family inheritance, he proved to be one of the most self-seeking, self-centred losers ever, and yet the Father accepted him back with open arms, laid on the grandest of parties and killed the fatted calf. God is willing to do this for the vilest offender who has ever returned to the Father. This in essence is the Gospel: a free gift, unconditional love and, yes, grace from the Father.

The problem with the Christian church, however, concerns whether this kind of grace is found abounding among church members. My instant response is: very occasionally but far from the norm. Many in our churches know the story of the Prodigal, they know that grace is the only way this can happen, but somehow we slip up at translating this grace to each other.

It is not clear why this is. The human condition finds it hard to accept a free and undeserved gift, and we are constantly agitating to pay for the gift in some way. Some pay through a life of dedicated service to the church; some through sacrificial lifestyle changes. Whatever your chosen means of payment, it doesn’t work. The price has already been paid. St Paul said, even though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it will avail me nothing. I am not suggesting that all people who dedicate their lives to a Godly cause are paying for their free gift. Far from it. For many, a life of service is an expression of gratitude for this free gift. I am just saying that we need to be ever vigilant, to keep recognising that grace has been given to us freely, and freely we pass it on to others.

Still Grounded

I was at the hospital again this morning. Unfortunately, they felt another intravenous dose of antibiotics was needed, therefore another line had to be put in. Could the nurse find a vein? Not a chance. Eventually she managed to find one in my hand, though only after leaving me like a pin cushion. Not her fault at all. Purely mine. My heart was racing and the sweat pouring off of me. I was ever so slightly tense, you might say. She told me that I was by no means the worst. One couple came in, where the girl was being given a line, who promptly passed out, only to be followed into unconsciousness by her male companion. They also get screamers. Fortunately, I did neither, though I certainly felt like doing both. Thinking of friends currently going through much more intense treatment than mine helped immensely.

I'm hoping that tomorrow things will be better and they'll set me loose. In the meantime, it's foot up time again.

As always, any prayers offered will be appreciated.

The Worst Patient In The World

Let's see, who would the win 'The worst patient in the world' award? That'll be me, then.

Why? Here's the check list.

Taking medicine in the quantities and at the times prescribed. I do try to....

Following the recommended regime of care. I tried to sit with my feet up, but I got bored after a few days, and anyway I don't feel ill.......until the strong painkillers wear off.

Needles. Do I have to say more? Needles are for sewing material. Not putting into my flesh. Apparently I have 'needle anxiety'. Doesn't everyone? I tried talking to a friend while they stuck a needle in me yesterday. Could I do it? Absolutely not. It was a multitasking effort too far. I knew that a NEEDLE was being jabbed into my very vulnerable hand and was going to stay there for a few days. What else was I going to think about? My conversation stopped midflow, and I might have screamed in the manner of a freely-expressing woman in childbirth, if my male friend hadn't been present to ensure I behaved myself in a stiff upper lipped blokey sort of way.

Needles (Part Two). Why is it itchy around the entry point of said needle all night, and I can't get rid of the itch? The result is not good sleep. Surely there must be a better way of delivering meds, like the Star Trek hypospray?

Just as well it's not something really serious.......the NHS wouldn't cope with my anxieties.

Infected

The cracked shin of Friday has deteriorated into an altogether more interesting infection known as cellulitis.

St Silas' is blessed with a few GP's, so I visited one before this evening's service, who diagnosed and prescribed the appropriate antibiotics (Thanks so much, Gill!). I'm a little sore, though ibuprofen and paracetemol together do a great job of taking the edge off of that. Prayers appreciated........

Happening Things

I can't make this on the 19th June, because I'll be at 21st Century Disciples, but the Blessing of the Bikes sounds like fun. Shame I can't make it, as I like the idea of processing up the aisle of St Mary's on my mountain bike. Could I wear a cassock alb while doing so? I'm sure it will be a joyful event which some of our many cyclists at St Silas' will want to attend.

Something I will be at on the 20th June is the Gibson Street Gala, which we play an integral part in (and not just because we provide some lavvies). This year promises to have exceptional participation from St Silas', with some quietness, coffee, stalls, spiritual stuff, 'fairground attractions' (including one where it seems that I will get ritually humiliated and you'll get the opportunity to get your own back for anything I've ever upset you over - all in the name of 'charidy', of course). Details to follow......I fear that the advertising of this will draw hordes of people for this one purpose. There will be a low key worship thing at 6.30pm, assuming I have survived the afternoon ordeal, at which we'll be thinking about 'Belonging'. Bring your friends to all or part of the day.

Buckfast Code

A bishop of the Scottish Episcopal Church has spoken out against a great moral scourge - Buckfast Tonic Wine. This follows the report that five thousand crimes over the last three years were related to it. One of our congregation regularly shows up at church with a bottle up his voluminous sleeve and he's not averse to getting into a bit of a violent contretemps. He showed up on Sunday night, bottle of Buckie and all. When sober he's a nice man. Drunk, he's nasty. Why are Weegie drunks either all, "Ah luv yoose!" or "Ah'm gonnae kill ye!"?

I see the damage Buckfast does close up and I'm thankful for Bishop Bob Gillies speaking out. As with most things, it's not that Buckfast is in itself bad. It's our ability to abuse it that is the problem and the fact that the Church is facilitating such abuse by producing the wine. I wonder what else the Church says and does that causes others to stumble? (see 1 Corinthians 8:9)

Pray Also For Me....

Last week, I was pole-axed by some kind of flu, which was ironic given that I was due to get a flu jab on Thursday. Coughing, sneezing, sore limbs, upset stomach and exhaustion have marked life. I felt unable to do anything, whether that was work, reading or even watching much telly.

A saint came round with health supplies, including enough fruit to keep my five-a-day level going for a few weeks. But the thing that meant more than anything else was when he asked if he could pray for me. Which reminded me that I (and I suspect most of us) don't ask for prayer often enough. Yes, we want tender-loving care and a listening ear for our tales of woe, but how often do we ask one another to pray? It's way too personal, implies a dependence on God and reminds us that the trials we face may well have a spiritual component. If it was good enough for the first church leaders, I guess it should be good enough for me too.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephesians 6:19-20

The Sick Kid

Following his hospitalisation, GV Boy is confined to bed at home, and is not to move around very much. In fact, he is supposed to lie on his stomach to allow the open wound to heal. I get to serve his every need while instructing him on how to be a good patient.

Caring for one's children doesn't get any easier once they are adults.

Much Pain, A Little Gain & the Beautiful Game

Very early Friday am: GV Boy awakens me. He is in excruciating pain. Long story short: by way of NHS 24, our GP and A & E, he ends up in hospital having surgery on an abscess. He's out today, having had the whole thing cleaned out. Not nice.

In the midst of all that, I managed to fit in the first onsite meeting with the contractors for Building for the Future. I can't quite believe we've reached this stage. This time next year the new facilities should be completed.

Last night, I had the privilege of speaking at the rather excellent dedication service for the new season of the Strathclyde Evangelical Churches Football League. Darren had the vision and did a brilliant job of organising the whole thing, the President and Secretary of the Scottish Amateur Football Association did a very entertaining Q & A, a St Silas' band led the worship songs and one hundred and fifty or so footballers turned up!