The script of the presentation we are using as part of the service this morning (courtesy of Beat Attitude).
Four parties, each with a dramatic manifesto.
1. THE SMARTIE PARTY
2. THE PARTY PARTY
3. THE ARTY PARTY
4. THE FRESH STARTY PARTY
THE SMARTIE PARTY - "Only the
smartie party has the answer".
What we stand for: Our manifesto can be
summarised in three words. Education, Education and…Smarties.
1. You're worried about street crime? Instead of sending teenage thugs to prisons
with high re-offender rates, we'll send them to new intensive reading
facilities, where they won't be allowed access to such harmful influences such
as x-boxes, buckfast, glee or facebook. Instead,
the violent offenders will be given a strict regimen of Barbara Cartland novels
and the vandals will be forced to read, and answer questions on our impenetrable
nine-thousand page manifesto.
2. We will close down all hospitals and instead
teach people how to keep themselves fit, and, if necessary, how to operate on
themselves.
3.
Our election promise is that we will provide
every child, adult and teenager with one free packet of smarties once we are
elected.
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THE PARTY PARTY -
"Funky dudes raaaaawk"
What we stand for: Wooooooohooooooo!
We will make it our mission to ensure
that everyone in the country lightens up a bit, like, you know?
1.
The country is in the middle of a great
depression. We think that is because
everyone is talking about finances, jobs, cuts, mp expenses scandals…We're
getting depressed even thinking about it. We propose that everyone just has a
big party to forget all about it.
2. Foreign Policy.
Our problems overseas springs from the
fact that we're shooting at each other all the time. Our three-pronged approach to foreign policy
is:
a) ‘chillax’
b) take a big slice of "calm down" cake
c) go out for a big picnic or something
If everyone just did this maybe other people wouldn't be trying to blow us up
all the time?
3.
We are
strong royalists and believe that every person in the country should have two
birthdays, just like the queen. Then,
instead of working, we could just spend our birthday money on things like
crisps and dips.
4.
We propose the return of the 3 day weekend.
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THE ARTY PARTY - "Beauty, Joy and
Peace"
What we stand for - increased funding to
the arts.
1.
Art is worth paying for. Museums shouldn't just
be free, they should pay people to visit them. Every visitor to (e.g)
Kelvingrove will be paid five pounds to look at beautiful paintings and
sculptures for an hour, thus enriching their souls and inspiring them to seek
better things.
2.
School children will get the option to drop
maths, english, chemistry and physics, and instead just have one big long
enjoyable art class. We will also banish exams. When it comes to grades, we believe
there is no "F" in "Art"
3.
MP's will be allowed to claim expenses for
expensive pieces of fine art, because these will enlighten their spirits and
help them to lead more effectively.
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THE FRESH STARTY PARTY
- "A healthy dose of reality"
What we stand for: doing the
best with what we've got.
The Fresh Starty Party recognises that everyone is a bit rubbish, even
us. Our manifesto promise is this:
1.
No impossible manifesto promises.
2.
Saying sorry when we make a mistake.
3.
Working hard for what we think is right.
We can't offer you anything ludicrously exciting like the other parties
because we, like them, probably can't deliver it. But we'll try and do our
best. Is that OK?
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