Alan Ervine: A Challenge In The Night

Last night I visited Alan just before the evening service. It was outside of visiting hours, and not being much given to wearing a clerical collar, one of the nurses gave me a good telling off. She kindly let me stay and Alan and I were able to talk, listen, pray and read Psalms 61 & 62 together. Please continue to pray for him.

Sunday 15th August: A challenge in the night.

Last night was not a good one: had pains in tummy and chest and felt very restless during the night. I am often not sure how to pass the time in the darkness while feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel angry that this thing is happening to me, and when I feel angry, I often turn my face against God. I’m sure he understands both the anger and not wanting to communicate with him. (I recall a similar time in 1984 after my Aunt Peggy died – feeling so much anger towards God. One time I took a copy of the Bible and tore it to shreds, page by page, and, strangely, God did not strike me down afterwards!).

But last night, another challenge arose, and this is the question from Jesus – will you love me even though everything is falling apart with your body? Will you love me during the sickness; will you love me in the discomfort; will you love me even if you cannot eat; will you love me come what may? My answer to that question was not straightforward last night. I have great difficulty loving Jesus during such taxing and challenging times. I have great difficulty trusting him every step of the way when physically I am going from bad to worse. I am still wrestling with this question today, for I find it easier to love and trust Jesus when things are gradually getting better. But when they are getting worse, then the question is much more poignant!

I must say, this is a real test of faith for me that remains unresolved. And the test could be put simply as this: “If you lose almost everything, will you continue to love and trust Jesus?” For me, the answer just now would have to be a choice of the will. I could choose to say “yes” to this question, even though my heart and feelings are nowhere near saying yes. I would hope that, by saying yes by the choice of my will, my heart will follow along soon!

By doing this as an act of the will, I am really saying that God is God despite how I feel. The objective truth is still there. I am saying, God will never leave us nor forsake us, no matter how we feel inside. The trick is maybe to separate the objective truth about God from how we feel. I tend to get the two mixed up.

Comments

[Jimmy]

We went on a day trip to St Andrews yesterday.
In part inspired by your post of Aug the 7th. I hadn't been there before, we had a really good day.

I've often thought about this verse in Job 13:15.
'Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.'
It has at times been a source of comfort and strength for me.

[Eleanor]

Dear Alan - and other readers,
It is with a vivid sense of my own inadequacies - having not yet faced the reality of my own mortality - that I dare to comment. So it is with a considerable amount of trepidation - and yet a sense felt from your blogs that you would welcome honest reflections on what you express in order to have a conversation by this method - that I offer a few comments on what I have read here, and in all the past contributions you (and only 2 others??) have made since July 24th 2010.

I suppose that encapsulates my first thought -- why are there only 2 'comments'?
Which whilst being encouragements and expressions of high regard for your faith in your situation may not really add much to your ability to cope or understand God's purpose in it ? is the current Christian faith community so unable to attempt to meet your needs? Please be assured that this is in not any any criticism of your own expression of faith - but may be construed best as my exasperation at the prevaiing shallowness of modern Christian 'faith'..which has clearly been adulterated by 'modernism' to an alarming degree in many ...else why so few faithful comments for you to date?? (emails cost nothing - only a little time + honest personal reflection....)

In some attmept to stand up to my own standards of offering some honest thoughts on your comments of 15th August (after a painful night) I hesitate to suggest - but in all honesty and personal experience of considerable suffering whilst being in the path of God's will - I must own up to holding some alternative views to yours..ie what works for you (which I respect) is to separate your feelings from your belief in the 'objective truth of God'. In my experience, and in my professional work now, I find that this is very hard for most people to do..and indeed given the nature of Jesus (who was fully human and fully divine) I would suggest may not be achievable?

I offer this to you directly - and to anyone else reading this indirectly - for comment and contradiction - not as in any way a didactic 'teaching'.

My own personal experience (which I am sure you will respect and not criticise harshly/trample on) is that in the times when I have been at my lowest ebb (because of various extreme causes ie death of a very young loved one, being out of control in a terrifying way etc ...) I have not been able to encapsulate a sensible thought -but have been awash with powerful emotions - including the anger and railing aginast God that I think you may also be describing.. in your blog about the depths of the night - and yet God has remained faithful over and over again by 'lifting me out of the bog' (some Psalm or other..(I take no pride in being able to quote chapter and verse, I do not know it) ......but has met me in the murky depths of unvoiced angry, resentful and despairing feelingst....and at all times gave me a sense deep down inside that I was NEVER alone (I think akin to the 'deep calls to deep').

That is all I feel I have to say, and I offer it to you as my unknown brother in order to sustain you in the depths of your distress....if it helps.
Please know that you are in my prayers - and although we have not met, I can recognise and love you as a kindred suffering soul,